The One Swap I'm Making This Season

When I shared in last week’s post that the past two years have been difficult—that I’ve struggled to find my lane—I got what I seek most from writing: real connection. Thank you for your comments and emails. I look forward to continuing those conversations, both here and in the wild.

What is also true of the last two years is that I’ve learned so much: about the world, myself, and, possibly my favorite topic—language. 

I thought I knew a thing or two about language. Before business school, it was the onlytool in my tool belt, and I used it for everything, including to make a living. But shifting my focus from the private sector (where people can choose whether to work together) to the public sector (where we’re all stuck with one another, no matter what) has me looking at language afresh. 

One example feels especially timely as many of us gather in larger-than-normal groups this week: the dramatic difference in results between “why” questions and “how” questions. 

Throughout my dispute resolution training, this was a recurring theme: stay away from “why.” Lead with “how.” Instead of asking, “Why do you believe [that batshit-crazy thing you just said]?” try, “Tell me more… How did you come to feel so strongly about this?” Defensiveness drops. Deeper information is shared. Sometimes common ground reveals itself. 

Similarly, instead of “Why do you support [XYZ plan] going forward?” one might say, “Tell me more… How would [XYZ plan] work? How would the various people affected by [XYZ plan] experience it?” Many people, given time to think out loud, find they’re not quite as emphatic as they thought—that they’re open to course correction. 

I’ve long known—we all have, right?—that deep engagement is the path to enduring and creative solutions. That listening is not agreement. That curiosity is not capitulation. What’s surprised me, again and again, is how hard it can be to practice these things. My goal as I head into the holidays is to substitute “how” for “why” as readily as I’d substitute any food that’s an allergen for someone at the table. Because it turns out, we’re all at least somewhat allergic to “why.”